it is amazing on another part

one time i past the other time i failed myself...what's left behind is what i called experience.....experience happens by mistake we've made by our own will.......instead of living on others way i trust myself to search for and be me......patience and faith is what i have just now......everything can be replace except our heart...in which it has a job to make our lifetime as best as ever be....placing me on top of my list is what i do to get the stress out of me......having someone is wonderful losing someone is hatred and hate.....the end of hope will never be happiness only left is despair.....tons of fish in the sea i still pick u as my favorite....that's what someone said to me before she left.....not for other but forever left the world......the world that full of beauty but clearly it killing us.....just now i walk with my feet with nowhere to go...life's harder than die.....nothing to be blame because many chance have been given to me but i just be a son of a bitch.....more and more everyday i just lost one side and more from me......listen to me,listen to me the heart says but i don't......i never listen to my heart because my perception is only logical......tense to live and believe but i prefer to be dead......rest in peace......nothing to worries about only left is rot in the grave.......and turn to dust......

i see it so far.....

some whom lost their faith to god will say her i'll show u how god fall asleep upon his job....but yet they don't realize if god ever do they won't be able even to move a single cell in their body.....i don't what happen to me...i just turn over and over....getting worst........even i just try to be myself i'm avoiding me to be better....at the end still i cry for his bless while he always bless me everyday and everything in my life only that me don't realize he do it........the book i read don't even told me how to be myself and best to be.....it only shows me the example of what early intelligence faced to wrote it up.....i write my own history with my blood and my hand still i won't turn myself from u....Allah provide me time to prove that i'm deserve for his heaven...yet i still just a human that no differ from others who find thousands of excuses....i just need to change...change and move on............

feel dizzy and heavy.....

just arrive my apartment late yesterday's evening......the house still 'haunted' as usual and people have tons of plans to do.....sit and addicted to tv series and watch it over again and again.....have a huge plans after this...that's all depends on you god.....i know you'll always help me to keep walking on your path.....getting better with everyone around me and get so tired with what happens to me.....feel like i don't have any means living for the day.....but still my means is my goal and also my mom......despite the fact that i'm trying to be what i supposed.....i just turn over to change and be hypocrite....i don't know which side of it but i know i've changed to something that is worse than before......less than that i know how to make people suffer by their owns and i know how to make people feel great lost by my brings.....fantasizing about cakes as usual make me always live in calm and happy....very lonely but this is what i've chosen before so i just need to accept it and work it out......a pot of gold is there front of me but i ignore it in my own think i can achieve a pot of diamond or higher.....what i got is wasted and lame.....i think i just got what i deserve after all.....being alone and wasted...get haircuts to make sure i'm in new reality to strive with all my deeds....good luck awesome....

super sunday

shine with smile for today...but the day starts with two games of snooker that i lost to the black.....and then sleep for....i don't know till someone buzz me up.....got some bonus to shop some goods......want to go for an optometrist to examine my eye...god give me more chance i still want to see your beauty and pray to u.....my visions getting blur but i think i still can see that she's so special to me till i eel my world is empty without her present....some night lately is shine by her joy....be friend..can see her laugh but i prefer to see it more....and i know i won't get that chance anymore.....after i've done i can't change the past.....talk about to be the awesome...i don't what happen to me this semester i'll get bad results.....i hope not....too much problem stranded on me....and don't get away easily.....still have some happiness celebrating my grandma's birthday today.....i forgot the exact year but i think it hers 64's.....else with all problem and pain i still wish my family to be the best and in peace also happiness.......

really sorry auni didn't mean that way.....

waking up in the afternoon and realize i'm still in this body..how it feel if your soul is rip off from your body and left it cold and freeze....i only believe what i want to...what happen to me i don't care...if Allah will it to meant that way i accept it with all my heart.....still hoping for forgiveness and come back to be together....else just live alone in the past like i do every single second in my life.....people would stare to the bad but will find the false by the right.....the rules to live is don't get killed.....what i do that make i lost the one whose best for me is like piercing pain to my heart and stabbing it till bled it out.....while busy with examination i don't have any mood to move forward or backward i just still stand on the same ground i ever step.....the tense is all about my fate in his hand...why he creates me???i don't know...only i know the answer is hell and heaven...we choose where we want to and we act like one....making everyone mad at me because too long staying at hometown and leaving the job to else.....maybe i just want to die...maybe i'm not belong to myself......what suppose i do if i still living without u.....two things that shows a person is man are financial and women.....both not a problem to me but yet my problem is myself only loves to live in shadow....that hurts me more than a saw right to my arm......look in the mirror and talk to me...look what've u done at the end u suffer to the ground alone.....i lost my faith and i'm struggle to get it back......my day is empty by the time pass continues to torture me,,,,,,,....miss my dear little friend that i've been rude because of something idiots happened and i ignores her that time......less than that i only want u to know i love u for the eternity.....

miss u and u and even u

laugh out loud on what happen today....overslept.....and miss three paper....so i decided to continue sleeping after miss that paper....hahahahaha......someone felt that like her fault but to be sincere...it is not.....a warm smile is enough to be a single second medicine but not a lifetime cure......waiting and waiting and waiting...,not even tired of it......

tickle my heart blossom my soul

a little girl taught me how to cry a grown ups girl makes me cry......no matter how strong the guy is the only weapon that makes them loose is love......what is disguise is the disparity in me but i kept on denying it.....leftovers makes me realize it way to far better than nothing....plans go on what it should but in the end still chasing the death itself............clock ticking but i still can't find what means to me in my reality.........spend time a lot but it just a waste after all..........miss that time but past is past...........what's left is a kick start to another thing that is more humans......hehehehe......what i feel is just turn to be a dust that easily blown away by the wind else if i preserve it and make it to be as hard as sapphire..............so lazy but an important day today awaits me...!!!!!god help me!!!!

make it malevolence

place it to be silence....enters my heart then silence me out from my world and from doing everything that is me.....end up for misery wake up and learn what is stated.......correcting the false that i made which i called it experience.....it turn out to slave me in my own world......find other way to push me up to stand.....link myself away from the anger and forcing me to disable the able......much riddles still palying in my mind struggling it till almost blown out......god bless me send me a pure source of happiness that purify the darkness in me....hope it will stay forever with me and keep me please and feel the emptiness in me......first to ariana then to arliani...everything come and go according to the nature...but what's left is me for me with faith to him......ariana i'll bite u if i meet u.....heheheh