night with huge disparity

naah.....night meet day day meet night i'm anxious about u both...how could u maintain your relationship??/hehehehe...that such a stupid one to ask...hehehehe...lately i've been wondering why i keep dragging myself into my past...i can't even imagine it is terrible....now i get my fresh start...new ambition.....go cheese cake!!!!yeah!!!!hate to pronounce that i think i'm short minded...but on the other hand i just pretend to be one.....recover nad be undercover.....my lust is just towards the brains....and insanity.....i love to watch people die...and more lovely i want to make it a fun games....heheheheh...but i can't decide who will die i only can make it lovely...rarely i make decision but today i make one.....i got many problems but i just keep got into new one.....i guess that is me.....i place some part of me into the rage world to make it demonic....but that's what i prefer...good part is everyone is very careful with me but the best part is their carefulness will lead to their fallen.....i never mention what real...i mention what it meant and what people wanna hear.....seems i can't sleep at night and finds my self losing everything......but i never take that as disparity or misfortune....today i heard from her is what decision u make don't regret it....gosh i only regret if i don't be me.....risky things help me live lady...u way far from living hellish-world like me.....i never betray myself and so do u...mistakes i made at my past is just i need to make it to keep me under control......but more or less....i'll never let anyone win against me...!!!!ever!!!!even if i'm in hell that time and you're still breathing i never will.....rather fallen together than losing....u would never understand me like i do understand u......stop talking like u're best.....and...stop pretending like u're like an angel while u just be a bitch.....and throw away that tudung also polite act if u just wear to cover our bitches reality...i don't eat that.....naah......i can't believe i paste myself and write a history part with u for some years of my life....that the mistake that i love to make.....

inside and outside

spare me sometime to live and make the person i live for happy more than i can ever done to myself.......go to class and get in tense for a while after knowing much truth than i should......as if i'm just a little powerless human and i could never be more than that....my vengeance suddenly go away by the presence of my fresh start.....it's for the first time my rage is vanish by a single smile and the angel's voice.....i curse out myself for what i ever be vefore...but it just such a waste because time past it never moves in rotation manner....i notice that the path i take is rarely and very hard.......at one time i only feel like i'm already dead and just be a soulless person to walk on this world......i can't even finish my routine anymore...it is hard for me who choose to live in past of my present.....i close my eyes and i still can see u.....the best part of me is just u and it already died...........this week much thing i cry about.....mostly about the sins i've made...and i just keep getting better in my snooker and billiard....i cheer myself for a while but still i cry........i sleep i dream and i hope i'll never wake up anymore.....people ask me..."where would u be in hell or in heaven after your afterlife...??"i just answered..."hell of course..it's suits me well to be there forever because type of people i be when i live match the characteristic of the hell's resident...."and i never have such regret if god sends me there....because i need to pay for my sins.....and to lady that i've ruin your live so much drag u into my darkness i apologize for all my fault...i'm really sorry and i never meant to let u all be like that.....i hope u all can find the right guy better than me......my pray is always with u girls.....

everything just get to me like 'kenangan semalam'

i like the way universe decide on  what happen to the next second of my life......bless and trust with the best is just a reason to keep living......place myself on top of everyone is not what i really want to.....next week is kind of big deal to me......the only reason for me to live is risking her life for an operation......more or less what can i do is just pray...this is the first time i feel like an idiot...i got everything but when it comes to my reason i just can sit and doing nothing......oh god what ever sins i've made i only have one request in my life...is to get the chance to make my mom happy as if i pay all my debt to her when she raised me up to stand beyond on top of the universe....else if i don't my life that i've been living is just like dust......mean nothing and be forgotten when blown away by the air.....every time despair comes to me my mom will always be the angel that swap away my tears and pulled me out from my fall......never tired to correct me and never tired to shower me with love.......i hope she'll be fine and make it.......next thing that come apart to me is watching my house mate cry hardly just because his girlfriend taking photos holding hands with other guy......i don't know what he want exactly....but last night he keep begging me to kill him...thankgod i was playing dota back then and focusing on pwned the invoker head.....hehehheheh......my sister that i love try to get my forgiveness.....i don't have such thing in me anymore...i'm already dead by my time when i lost my heart........sorry dear i'm not n i can't be like before.......

less than all but more than a few

i have an amazing days out of the misery for a while.....i don't know if i could trust anybody include me after i get betrayed in ways i realize but i don't take any step to be cautious....i just let myself driven by the insanity in me......people imagine of things they don't understand....when they stopped is it right for them to knows without understand what is it.......i got many clue but i never use it to help me.....i got people who loves me and i love still i cry on my own than i talk to them......what's wrong with me i don't know what i wanna be i don't know and what i born to be i'm getting away and kept denying it.......can someone let me out of my rage and give me a hug and says you're a like a child who only knows to cry it out when u got problem but u never will to solve it?????i keep asking for apologize from everyone but do i ever forgive myself?????my ears hear the voice that channel me to your path god but why am i let myself to be son of a bitch.......i relive when i write and i burdened when i feel i got everybody to tell me what i need to do.....hear the song alone and taste the essence of talking to the moon.......early till the end the moon keep give me smile in the middle it give me shape that is empty to let me fill it with my guilt in me.....to let me put the burden on it......apart of that i win 2 frame on snooker with my friend yesterday with 24 and 37 points leading him...yeah i'm awesome....hehehehehehe

wishing stars

part of me hate it and yet the other part is going insane about it.......what tends to be something i decided change suddenly when i look at her........seeing my roommate in love but denying his feelings make me feel i'm much awesome than him....i curse myself from my mistake i've made in my past.....my world ain't stop craving in and i'm turning inside out.......geez god...everyday i pray for your bless but my heart and have enough faith to get it......i try it out to struggle for your light but i'm just keep getting far from u......urm.....i'm so desperate and i'm burning inside me.......i didn't even forgiving myself......i just keep blaming me deeds of what bads coming.....something creeping me out is why i just turn so easily ever after i met my heart....i feel like i'm losing it more than the time when i was searching for it........what's the best for today is i got into coma after almost three days i ain't get sleep......hahahaha...i ain't sure coma is the right words but to me i still stands on my feet after all without relying on someone else......naahhhhhh.....,i'm awesome....

sense the last from the begining......

apparently i just waste a little precious time of my own by my acts......nobody should be blame on this except me myself.....truly i just want it to be special but reality happen far from what i've been expected......listen to my voice and only i heard is regrets......more or less i don't have time,even for myself.....i don't know what happen to me lately...i got fever and keep sick and down.....i miss her so much....she ain't return or reply to me.....i just hold my phone and waiting without knowing that i already be left alone in my dark rift......moreover my patience is not fit on my purpose of continue living...everything happens always drive me to insanity without any doubt......strongly i begin to evade my knowledge and let myself end up suffer by my own......strange about that is i noticed every part of it but i still got into it......still remember the advice.....no matter how hard u try u still chasing for the death....indeed i should let it go sometime....it way far to better than sink with it.......