a blue rose for tomorrow

today i'm so regret because i've disappoint the one that waited for me for so long....many chance given to me but what i do just keep wasting it.....i just blur......to be honest id don't know why i took the shortcut instead of the normal path i use to reach bus stop everyday when i go out.....maybe something not good is opposing me if i do go.....i hope she'll understand it.....and i hope i never waste any chance that i get.....2 hours from now according to my count i already spent 2 days not sleep at all....but still i cant sleep tonight because i've make the heart of mine in pain.....i never mentioned how much my love could be and how i show it....the only thing is i never lie about loving u,.....i bury all my pain and sickness deep in me and i never wish to release it because i'm to afraid to face the fact as if i'm losing u......i wish i got another saturday to live on to make that one come true.....with my faith i live and with my pride i die.....

decision and regretion

everyday i got many things to be decide....either i like or not it still need a solution to it......i got invite her 'back' again to my place after my weakness turns her around to another interest...perhaps i be more human lately.....despite i never listen to anyone talks or advice....they just like bitches judging me to think me a whore like them....i make my life look very regret to my lost but the truth is i never feel anything....i never have any feelings into something...to me the relation is just me and the chess board.......where i can see the noobs and the pro.....hahaha.....people from past come to me and thought i still hook on my past but then believe me just lost and can't ever come back.....naah....the clue is i dream of to feel everything that possible in my life....include what happen in my past my lost my regrets and everything.......and what i see u is just my collection...another page of my scrap book.....today i feel lonely but never feels this awesome of being lonely....i drink some but not till drunk n i love it...maybe next week i'm gonna pierce my ears and get them a nice earring.....what so special about me is i see u cry and i want u to see me cry and hook into it but inside me i'm laughing like hell...trust me never judge me though u look at me like i'm a soft one.....i confess i have collected 27 pure soul in my scrap book....and i'm not stop until it reach  109....i love myself.....

a crater.....

last night sounds so beautiful when i got to see the angel of my life smile and laugh....seriously i'm just tired of all conspiracy and loosen up my guard....visit someone heart and found a pieces of mine in there make me fold all my game and score the phoenix instead of griffin....listen to that one...saying i'm not me anymore make me think...how far i swim across the sea leaving my life behind.....i notice some change but i didn't expect it to be this huge.....my distance is far but my presence is always in your mind heart and soul....i write a new book but i never know what book it would be....i hope the next morning i wak up give me something precious so that i won't need to dive for the treasure.....by that...i believe i'm awesome...indeed....

live beyond godlike........

i got a deep self problem in controlling the pros and cons in me.....i listen to many voice still what i found out they just a noobs....i make a new decision and i cooked a new dish, though i walk through a door at the end i only notice lost what i've own but in my heart i never regret any of that.....peace be upon u in my past.....i just living with my dark passenger i think....what make it difficult to change maybe i hangout too much with my past and not searching for what been told the future.......another week i just love be lonely.....this week happen to be my first love birthday,....i also forgot but out of sudden the alarm on my phone rings and shows out her name.....all i can do is just call her and say hey..remember me....it's your day...happy birthday lady...then i hang up.....hahahah.....what a jerk i be while i with her.....i'm on my way in meeting the parents but i keep postpone it to another time...with the excuses i got classes to attend...the fact is i just not ready for any of those.....i just want to be for me...always for me....neither her or anyone else......and i'm really sorry for my love.....i'm not quite in touch with u cause i'm not in good shape......likely i just hope u'll understand me as usual....and the only reason i be with u is because u understand me more than i can do for myself........i hope my day will have some sun......

hi i'm affad nice to meet u

i love myself!!!today i got few words from my mom that inspire me a lot..thanks lady u got my heart on u forever....i promise u that u won't regret to give birth to this awesome guy and raise him well....lately i feel tired...and coincidence happens.....i let something go not on purpose but bless come i think...

and my ex-colleague mad at me...i just playing the jokes that she look tired because of pregnant.....not because the joke she mad.....she mad because she's really carrying a baby at age of 18.....with no legal husband....idk the facts....maybe it's my fault because don't sense her feelings rightfully......and to keep the truth i never care....it's your fault bitch not mine......i love my awesome life....and good luck delivering bastard with the dad vanish already....i just want to be nice but u drag me there....heheheone thing about today is i sit on my veranda smoking some cigar and taste the gloomy air......

make one to be two

life spent base on daily experience is so hard to be told...many let themselves to be sway in their book and think they be as perfect as they wanted to....despite they just lost the meaning of what called life....my day is out of misery for a while but got a bit lack when i go down along my path......many changes need to be done and i think i'm in love......not knowing i'm moving on from the old me....i'm getting good in my chess......people never smells any of my trick they only realized whenever i say the word "checkmate"......life quite easy if we learn to adapt and survive....coincidence happens...i almost got into an accident....lucky me i drop the gear and the bike that race with me lose control and a van hit him...pity of him i just smile.....seriously i don't know where my mercy is.....only vengeance and intelligence mean a thing to me....so long i live in dark n i think i own it......i set some special occasion for the one i want to be mine.....i let myself in so i know what wrong with me......at the end still i ask for forgiveness......that's y i still afraid to sleep....i'm afraid of losing me in me.....

it sometime comes with grace

later after i read some of my own journal i found myself in deep case which i've lost the reason that bring me back to live.....a cure of all is what i need but what i obtained is already poisoning me...hang out with friends like usual but i'm just be a silencer when be with them....depart from one place to another i learn about their intelligence and madness.....people likes killing each other to survive that what i really seen.....at the end of day i met some new idiot who let themselves be my pawn in my chess board......don't praise me but it's true i'm awesome...seriously i love and addicted to big apple....

zz in weird mood....

long time i've been into silence and in quite deep...i let things be in their own miracle while the other part in which in my control i let it be like i want to.....celebrating my birthday on last weekend and quite sorrow but i'm happy it be like that.....i celebrate together with my mom.....best part is she cried for joy...blow the candle with the wish that i can see my mom stand from her wheel and walk like normal people do.....but i don't tell her any of that....got some calls from people of my past...and shock me out they still remember my day....but nothing left in me to remember any of that....most of all i just feel my side that empty before is slowly getting occupy by my deeds......life's hard but it needs some joy to make it easy.....love myself.....no matter what happen i know i'm awesome...and i was born to live on the top.....

i think i do care

lately i possesses some kind of spirit that clearly overwhelmed me to do something that is far from myself....i just learn how to look at people in various way i never imagine before.....days goes as usual and many unpredicted things happens...the wheel is turning on me again....even i ain't notice it yet on which part...but i can feel the kickstart...i feel like fishing,...a lady say to me dude u are so young and love playing with everyone....u have huge desire on your high expectation and taste.....i say to her...what do u expect people nowadays....they're killing each other to live.....they all are barbarian but they ain't notice about themselves.......heard a lot of advice from that lady.....thanx to her i got new chessboard......but i'm not gonna play it my way...i will take the risk and move it backwards to your way.........i want to know what adult way is....when they claim they're adult and mature and know everything....heheheh.......i know right??/my life's is awesome so am i.....ihala!!!!!

live like no tomorrow

today is just another day in the week that i don't even meet the day....which means i live like bloodsucker......day is a harm night is heaven....hehehe.....i plan to survive but so suddenly things happens....i got a crash....and i found that so bad...and changing me far from being me......have a huge distance between her.....its like i'm already be a stranger...so i just keep the malevolence in me and live my way and trying to avoid my dark to plead of her...........i'm really sorry lady.....i can't be good brother for u but i'll try my best as if even i got a tiniest chance to make u happy i will take it at all risk......world i live is nothing impossible as long it comes with its own arrangement...........i realize something...there's only one rule that can broke the rules of physics.........it is MIRACLE i wish i can have miracle right now so that i can make a change for my fault in yesterday.....reason i live today is i can get to play my lies tomorrow.......it always been perfect till that i never have any of hearts left to get the mercy......haiz...........i always make it easy for me which is complicated for others.....i guess that what devil's do...give confusion and throw so do sank people in eternity darkness.............

like yesterday

it seems i'm in deep trouble...i cross the road but i still lost......whenever i feel a little joy a huge disaster will come over me and ruin everything.....that's why i never trust anyone.....they lies to survive on their own purpose.....i teach myself to always pretend like i'm one of them but clearly i'm too best at it......i paste some weird thinking onto their brain and the results are amazing....i still can manipulate everything around me.....include myself....hahahha.....this month of ramadhan makes me realize many things i've done and it all goes wrong when i have the heart of a human...hahaha....soft heart....that what destroy me from the very beginning.......a day without u is like a year in heaven of my own.....naah.....not even a single thing can stop me if i turn to be what i choose to.....your sweet don't even give me a diabetes much more it gives me strength to beat u down to the ground.....i never piss cause i know the one who lose before the game start is the one who lost themselves in their own rage.....

how to get to the point

i try many things and make it right......today's the second day of fasting...i still find myself down...and can't stand.....i just got a lot of support and bless also pray from the loved one.....early last night i sit and cry after i realize i can't stop chasing her shadow and she's knows me better than myself.......lately it become easy for me to sleep as early as 8 a.m. less than that i can't sleep...i feel like if i do sleep night will betray me and take everything i have from me....hahahaha....so funny.....best part is i get what i want.....the best chicken porridge ever....serve with spicy fried beef and lemon tea........i'm in heaven...hahahaha...but still....when people ask me where do u expect u to be after u enter death....i just said.....hell is pleasurable because that's i deserve for what i be when i'm alive....i'm a devil.....hahahaha......just for fun.....

hey lady

i think i just make someone mad at me.....i wonder what happen but in order seeking for answer i never find one.....because i've blocked my heart to accept my truth of being me...despite all of my disparity i ain't realize i still have the heart of a human.....heart that contains poison named LOVE.....i step out of my world for a while and i found that people around me sharing and being together.....in which i found that very lack of me to do the same......things change and i also change.....i never thought i've suffer much than i imagine....i feel like roasted in a chamber.......and get used to it.......all of day i've been thinking i'm just ignoring things and just be fine of everything.......being mature what i claimed to her but i feel like i'm the only keep thinking about her......what makes me laugh that she said she miss somebody...and i asked what miss someone means to her.....than she said i don't know.....i feel pity of her.....the other day i meet someone that nostalgia in my life......she's growing and being old.....and i absolutely surprise of her change...still....time pass she's the one that makes me happy from the inside of me......wish to be with her forever in my life...

a little can be a lot

sharing my history with someone i love is the way i prefer to make my life's go on according to my prediction....on the upper hand i feel like i'm disguise with the disparity in me.....perhaps maybe too much singing and messing around....find out myself in love with that girl.....she is so beautiful and worth my life to get her......in change of making myself awesome i need to get into others life and understand what in them.....someone asked me why just i can let by gone be by gone....then my answer is that's what u are not me....i choose to struggle and nailed it......naaahhh.....my sister kinda suspicious with me...she think i'm onto something towards her....maybe that's the reflects of too long stay indoor without going out and view the world moving on......she's insane and waiting to roar.....but just let her decide.....my life nowadays is being complete by the series and sequel......i can't imagine how i would be without watching any......i notice girls nowadays getting dumber as they think they can win the game without being a tool to guy....poor u...but i'm always there to help 'poor' girl....i'm a good listener and the best demon-like human have ever born.....put a price and there i am for u.....hahahahahah

HARD TIME

it's a happy and bright week when i got to know my mom survive her hips to backbone operation......thanks to all who support me when i'm in my hard time...love u all......second thing i got a smile from my love one...i never feel very peace like this and i feel what joy exactly is......it's been a long time i ain't update my blog but no matter at all as long i can see my mom again alive and on her way to getting better....five months is the time for her to be able to stand after the operation and couple of month after that for her to be able to walk again...thanx god for your bless to her.....i will never forget about it ad have doubt on u....since u been gone it have been a misery to me till now.....i don't know why i live in past for everyday in my life...maybe i choose it to be that way...........many think that i'm okay but i'm not just okay.....i'm trying to survive and retrieve myself....i like where i'm standing now because no matter what happen i still be me......i lost me before and i don't want to spend my lifetime to keep searching me......maybe i'm just denying the thoughts that i just fall from the sun..........but i don't care......i only live to the order though i have many things to achieve.....lately very busy to keep my promise done......have a huge list still i can feel the excitement........some things i got lust in girls lately but far from that i only love the taste of thoughts and their brains....to me that is more delicious than their body.......something i don't know what continues to caving me inside out......yesterday i drown in your world that i never thought that i can climb and swim to the shore today i walk in your forest where i be in labyrinth that almost no way out............and tomorrow i will be on top where u watch me scream and celebrate my victory while u fall into my reef which u never come back again to stop my legacy..........i can't found the cause but i can found the way to prevent...........part of me is dying so that the other can continue their way to beat u down..............seriously.....i'm awesome........

why need to be regret???

i don't notice that people around me think i'm regret with my deeds....despite that i know i'm awesome...because they're buying my acting.....i don't know why they're so idiot at all.....i listen to myself a lot lately.....rather than that i also need blood.....my thirst towards it is beyond my imagination.....n yesterday i've drown in the deep of your reality....too far i've travel, i've go through it but i still got nowhere....i don't even reach my spot.....hmm.....all i can say is goodbye while my heart says no to it....i'm distracted by the insanity of satisfying my lust......which i don't know how......today i'm going back to my hometown......i'll burnt anyone who dare to intersect my way in getting what i want.....to miss ariana if u reading this i really thank to god because i managed to know u.....u pure my heart in which i myself can't ever get it done......and miss lului arliani i've been missing u around...the guardian of all time.....i love u both......

night with huge disparity

naah.....night meet day day meet night i'm anxious about u both...how could u maintain your relationship??/hehehehe...that such a stupid one to ask...hehehehe...lately i've been wondering why i keep dragging myself into my past...i can't even imagine it is terrible....now i get my fresh start...new ambition.....go cheese cake!!!!yeah!!!!hate to pronounce that i think i'm short minded...but on the other hand i just pretend to be one.....recover nad be undercover.....my lust is just towards the brains....and insanity.....i love to watch people die...and more lovely i want to make it a fun games....heheheheh...but i can't decide who will die i only can make it lovely...rarely i make decision but today i make one.....i got many problems but i just keep got into new one.....i guess that is me.....i place some part of me into the rage world to make it demonic....but that's what i prefer...good part is everyone is very careful with me but the best part is their carefulness will lead to their fallen.....i never mention what real...i mention what it meant and what people wanna hear.....seems i can't sleep at night and finds my self losing everything......but i never take that as disparity or misfortune....today i heard from her is what decision u make don't regret it....gosh i only regret if i don't be me.....risky things help me live lady...u way far from living hellish-world like me.....i never betray myself and so do u...mistakes i made at my past is just i need to make it to keep me under control......but more or less....i'll never let anyone win against me...!!!!ever!!!!even if i'm in hell that time and you're still breathing i never will.....rather fallen together than losing....u would never understand me like i do understand u......stop talking like u're best.....and...stop pretending like u're like an angel while u just be a bitch.....and throw away that tudung also polite act if u just wear to cover our bitches reality...i don't eat that.....naah......i can't believe i paste myself and write a history part with u for some years of my life....that the mistake that i love to make.....

inside and outside

spare me sometime to live and make the person i live for happy more than i can ever done to myself.......go to class and get in tense for a while after knowing much truth than i should......as if i'm just a little powerless human and i could never be more than that....my vengeance suddenly go away by the presence of my fresh start.....it's for the first time my rage is vanish by a single smile and the angel's voice.....i curse out myself for what i ever be vefore...but it just such a waste because time past it never moves in rotation manner....i notice that the path i take is rarely and very hard.......at one time i only feel like i'm already dead and just be a soulless person to walk on this world......i can't even finish my routine anymore...it is hard for me who choose to live in past of my present.....i close my eyes and i still can see u.....the best part of me is just u and it already died...........this week much thing i cry about.....mostly about the sins i've made...and i just keep getting better in my snooker and billiard....i cheer myself for a while but still i cry........i sleep i dream and i hope i'll never wake up anymore.....people ask me..."where would u be in hell or in heaven after your afterlife...??"i just answered..."hell of course..it's suits me well to be there forever because type of people i be when i live match the characteristic of the hell's resident...."and i never have such regret if god sends me there....because i need to pay for my sins.....and to lady that i've ruin your live so much drag u into my darkness i apologize for all my fault...i'm really sorry and i never meant to let u all be like that.....i hope u all can find the right guy better than me......my pray is always with u girls.....

everything just get to me like 'kenangan semalam'

i like the way universe decide on  what happen to the next second of my life......bless and trust with the best is just a reason to keep living......place myself on top of everyone is not what i really want to.....next week is kind of big deal to me......the only reason for me to live is risking her life for an operation......more or less what can i do is just pray...this is the first time i feel like an idiot...i got everything but when it comes to my reason i just can sit and doing nothing......oh god what ever sins i've made i only have one request in my life...is to get the chance to make my mom happy as if i pay all my debt to her when she raised me up to stand beyond on top of the universe....else if i don't my life that i've been living is just like dust......mean nothing and be forgotten when blown away by the air.....every time despair comes to me my mom will always be the angel that swap away my tears and pulled me out from my fall......never tired to correct me and never tired to shower me with love.......i hope she'll be fine and make it.......next thing that come apart to me is watching my house mate cry hardly just because his girlfriend taking photos holding hands with other guy......i don't know what he want exactly....but last night he keep begging me to kill him...thankgod i was playing dota back then and focusing on pwned the invoker head.....hehehheheh......my sister that i love try to get my forgiveness.....i don't have such thing in me anymore...i'm already dead by my time when i lost my heart........sorry dear i'm not n i can't be like before.......

less than all but more than a few

i have an amazing days out of the misery for a while.....i don't know if i could trust anybody include me after i get betrayed in ways i realize but i don't take any step to be cautious....i just let myself driven by the insanity in me......people imagine of things they don't understand....when they stopped is it right for them to knows without understand what is it.......i got many clue but i never use it to help me.....i got people who loves me and i love still i cry on my own than i talk to them......what's wrong with me i don't know what i wanna be i don't know and what i born to be i'm getting away and kept denying it.......can someone let me out of my rage and give me a hug and says you're a like a child who only knows to cry it out when u got problem but u never will to solve it?????i keep asking for apologize from everyone but do i ever forgive myself?????my ears hear the voice that channel me to your path god but why am i let myself to be son of a bitch.......i relive when i write and i burdened when i feel i got everybody to tell me what i need to do.....hear the song alone and taste the essence of talking to the moon.......early till the end the moon keep give me smile in the middle it give me shape that is empty to let me fill it with my guilt in me.....to let me put the burden on it......apart of that i win 2 frame on snooker with my friend yesterday with 24 and 37 points leading him...yeah i'm awesome....hehehehehehe

wishing stars

part of me hate it and yet the other part is going insane about it.......what tends to be something i decided change suddenly when i look at her........seeing my roommate in love but denying his feelings make me feel i'm much awesome than him....i curse myself from my mistake i've made in my past.....my world ain't stop craving in and i'm turning inside out.......geez god...everyday i pray for your bless but my heart and have enough faith to get it......i try it out to struggle for your light but i'm just keep getting far from u......urm.....i'm so desperate and i'm burning inside me.......i didn't even forgiving myself......i just keep blaming me deeds of what bads coming.....something creeping me out is why i just turn so easily ever after i met my heart....i feel like i'm losing it more than the time when i was searching for it........what's the best for today is i got into coma after almost three days i ain't get sleep......hahahaha...i ain't sure coma is the right words but to me i still stands on my feet after all without relying on someone else......naahhhhhh.....,i'm awesome....

sense the last from the begining......

apparently i just waste a little precious time of my own by my acts......nobody should be blame on this except me myself.....truly i just want it to be special but reality happen far from what i've been expected......listen to my voice and only i heard is regrets......more or less i don't have time,even for myself.....i don't know what happen to me lately...i got fever and keep sick and down.....i miss her so much....she ain't return or reply to me.....i just hold my phone and waiting without knowing that i already be left alone in my dark rift......moreover my patience is not fit on my purpose of continue living...everything happens always drive me to insanity without any doubt......strongly i begin to evade my knowledge and let myself end up suffer by my own......strange about that is i noticed every part of it but i still got into it......still remember the advice.....no matter how hard u try u still chasing for the death....indeed i should let it go sometime....it way far to better than sink with it.......

it is amazing on another part

one time i past the other time i failed myself...what's left behind is what i called experience.....experience happens by mistake we've made by our own will.......instead of living on others way i trust myself to search for and be me......patience and faith is what i have just now......everything can be replace except our heart...in which it has a job to make our lifetime as best as ever be....placing me on top of my list is what i do to get the stress out of me......having someone is wonderful losing someone is hatred and hate.....the end of hope will never be happiness only left is despair.....tons of fish in the sea i still pick u as my favorite....that's what someone said to me before she left.....not for other but forever left the world......the world that full of beauty but clearly it killing us.....just now i walk with my feet with nowhere to go...life's harder than die.....nothing to be blame because many chance have been given to me but i just be a son of a bitch.....more and more everyday i just lost one side and more from me......listen to me,listen to me the heart says but i don't......i never listen to my heart because my perception is only logical......tense to live and believe but i prefer to be dead......rest in peace......nothing to worries about only left is rot in the grave.......and turn to dust......

i see it so far.....

some whom lost their faith to god will say her i'll show u how god fall asleep upon his job....but yet they don't realize if god ever do they won't be able even to move a single cell in their body.....i don't what happen to me...i just turn over and over....getting worst........even i just try to be myself i'm avoiding me to be better....at the end still i cry for his bless while he always bless me everyday and everything in my life only that me don't realize he do it........the book i read don't even told me how to be myself and best to be.....it only shows me the example of what early intelligence faced to wrote it up.....i write my own history with my blood and my hand still i won't turn myself from u....Allah provide me time to prove that i'm deserve for his heaven...yet i still just a human that no differ from others who find thousands of excuses....i just need to change...change and move on............

feel dizzy and heavy.....

just arrive my apartment late yesterday's evening......the house still 'haunted' as usual and people have tons of plans to do.....sit and addicted to tv series and watch it over again and again.....have a huge plans after this...that's all depends on you god.....i know you'll always help me to keep walking on your path.....getting better with everyone around me and get so tired with what happens to me.....feel like i don't have any means living for the day.....but still my means is my goal and also my mom......despite the fact that i'm trying to be what i supposed.....i just turn over to change and be hypocrite....i don't know which side of it but i know i've changed to something that is worse than before......less than that i know how to make people suffer by their owns and i know how to make people feel great lost by my brings.....fantasizing about cakes as usual make me always live in calm and happy....very lonely but this is what i've chosen before so i just need to accept it and work it out......a pot of gold is there front of me but i ignore it in my own think i can achieve a pot of diamond or higher.....what i got is wasted and lame.....i think i just got what i deserve after all.....being alone and wasted...get haircuts to make sure i'm in new reality to strive with all my deeds....good luck awesome....

super sunday

shine with smile for today...but the day starts with two games of snooker that i lost to the black.....and then sleep for....i don't know till someone buzz me up.....got some bonus to shop some goods......want to go for an optometrist to examine my eye...god give me more chance i still want to see your beauty and pray to u.....my visions getting blur but i think i still can see that she's so special to me till i eel my world is empty without her present....some night lately is shine by her joy....be friend..can see her laugh but i prefer to see it more....and i know i won't get that chance anymore.....after i've done i can't change the past.....talk about to be the awesome...i don't what happen to me this semester i'll get bad results.....i hope not....too much problem stranded on me....and don't get away easily.....still have some happiness celebrating my grandma's birthday today.....i forgot the exact year but i think it hers 64's.....else with all problem and pain i still wish my family to be the best and in peace also happiness.......

really sorry auni didn't mean that way.....

waking up in the afternoon and realize i'm still in this body..how it feel if your soul is rip off from your body and left it cold and freeze....i only believe what i want to...what happen to me i don't care...if Allah will it to meant that way i accept it with all my heart.....still hoping for forgiveness and come back to be together....else just live alone in the past like i do every single second in my life.....people would stare to the bad but will find the false by the right.....the rules to live is don't get killed.....what i do that make i lost the one whose best for me is like piercing pain to my heart and stabbing it till bled it out.....while busy with examination i don't have any mood to move forward or backward i just still stand on the same ground i ever step.....the tense is all about my fate in his hand...why he creates me???i don't know...only i know the answer is hell and heaven...we choose where we want to and we act like one....making everyone mad at me because too long staying at hometown and leaving the job to else.....maybe i just want to die...maybe i'm not belong to myself......what suppose i do if i still living without u.....two things that shows a person is man are financial and women.....both not a problem to me but yet my problem is myself only loves to live in shadow....that hurts me more than a saw right to my arm......look in the mirror and talk to me...look what've u done at the end u suffer to the ground alone.....i lost my faith and i'm struggle to get it back......my day is empty by the time pass continues to torture me,,,,,,,....miss my dear little friend that i've been rude because of something idiots happened and i ignores her that time......less than that i only want u to know i love u for the eternity.....

miss u and u and even u

laugh out loud on what happen today....overslept.....and miss three paper....so i decided to continue sleeping after miss that paper....hahahahaha......someone felt that like her fault but to be sincere...it is not.....a warm smile is enough to be a single second medicine but not a lifetime cure......waiting and waiting and waiting...,not even tired of it......

tickle my heart blossom my soul

a little girl taught me how to cry a grown ups girl makes me cry......no matter how strong the guy is the only weapon that makes them loose is love......what is disguise is the disparity in me but i kept on denying it.....leftovers makes me realize it way to far better than nothing....plans go on what it should but in the end still chasing the death itself............clock ticking but i still can't find what means to me in my reality.........spend time a lot but it just a waste after all..........miss that time but past is past...........what's left is a kick start to another thing that is more humans......hehehehe......what i feel is just turn to be a dust that easily blown away by the wind else if i preserve it and make it to be as hard as sapphire..............so lazy but an important day today awaits me...!!!!!god help me!!!!

make it malevolence

place it to be silence....enters my heart then silence me out from my world and from doing everything that is me.....end up for misery wake up and learn what is stated.......correcting the false that i made which i called it experience.....it turn out to slave me in my own world......find other way to push me up to stand.....link myself away from the anger and forcing me to disable the able......much riddles still palying in my mind struggling it till almost blown out......god bless me send me a pure source of happiness that purify the darkness in me....hope it will stay forever with me and keep me please and feel the emptiness in me......first to ariana then to arliani...everything come and go according to the nature...but what's left is me for me with faith to him......ariana i'll bite u if i meet u.....heheheh

i'm coming home

special about today is friday......the day that would be essence of the week more likely.........but i still don't get it...why i'm still apart of it while i should just be me....alone on my path.....besides hurting people's feelings this week i'm doing nothing...got two assignment of the semester need to be done but i just sleeping in pain.....watching that smile keep me alive for tomorrow...........i wonder how high i would climb the mountain and how long can i stands with my pride up there......endlessly..........early today i'll be returning home with my friend.....for the anniversary event of my grandparent's death......today we all will pray for them hoping that god will bless them...........always.....still can find the meaning that i want to......and i don't know why it still bleeding after a year and a half past..........i can hide but i can't withstand the pain...only god knows how deep it hurts me and demolish me from inside.......i just tired to give a damn about it....i'm losing it...............

high experience means nothing

last friday night i go for a birthday party at VR1 club at doraisamy road...the deal is to accompany my house mate who have lost his love and make him forget about it,...funny things about the night is he the one who hold the invitation of the party but he can't enter the party...because the bodyguard says he is underage while i can.....in the club the birthday girl spend 3bottle of chivas 7bottle of black label and 150 bottle of beer....gosh...lucky me they also provide cokes.....i just watch people dancing and getting drunk.....i just sit and watch the people expressing what they tense of by the day they've been through....middle of the joy a milf fall from the dance stage....other people help but the only thing i can do is laugh.....hahahahaha....to drunk and lose control of body are such and idiot things to happen...but pity of her fall to the ground like statue of liberty on the doomsday.....hehehehehe....part of it i met new friends but they all are ............i dance a little just to make it usual....but today i met someone who also taste the sweetness of broke up with her boy all i can do as usual is laugh.....this week i meet most of people with their own broke up story....i hear it out and tell them the best i know....but i on my own can't even tell me what to do to my relationship that i lost by my fault....the disparity is not in them but deeply in me.....gosh...how pity i am.......

squash the orange

stranded in a desert is better if u live in the world that every single person around u play shit with u.....ouwh night is so cold and silence.....piercing what i've done to my heart and bitting my hand so i can realize what i am where i am standing right now....be a person like me and feel like i'm caving inside out....still searching for the meaning of what human call love.....i think if i live alone is the best though he creates me to have pair......because i really don't like the word care.....i do care when i'm close but when it is far.....do it by your own.....because i don't even have time for me......i just want my time!!!!!!at the end still thinking to be an asshole after all...i know that is the best thing to do...because no matter what happen asshole get laid!!!!yeah!!!!

stop and at ease

deep pain still there...meeting some new people and people from past.....pretend to be nothing but inside don't know what happen......quite a lucky day today...win 2 frame on snooker and 3 frame of pool.....kinda bored and want someone that suppose to e the one to realize it.....i got waste and....start to pray at the dawn for the bless from him.....i fell like everything stop and don't event move a single cell.....life is at the peak.....force myself to find what's wrong in me......thank god he still give me his bless after all....less than that ...my past is chasing me....fucking around with me......still make me  some kind of human who can't even stand to fight his past......

should or shouldn't

suppose that i miss and suppose that i care and suppose we are happy with all we've been through.......and i for u.....what i want isn't what u want the difference between me n u make me complete myself more than i can do.....reaching a new era.....praying to god for some deeds and bless.....

fungi and teenager

Should teenager been married at tender age

Time has change, people preferred to focus on their carrier rather than involve in marriage. Statistics quote that beginning of the millennium era the earliest age people get married is at 25’s and above. much people with hi profile carrier tends to get married at middle 30’s or late 40’s. this is consider as problem because when human get older their fertility rates goes down the bar. Does means many of late marriage will have difficulties to get child. Moreover the child will suffer because lack of parental love. This happens when parent was too busy at their office and leave their child at nursery or kindergarten. Else the child only can taste the profit from their parent but not the love and care.

Youngsters that get married early but married to an adult can get life experience in much closer way. As an example young teen at age 17 marry to a guy age 26, she will not only experience to be a young mother but will be expose by her husband to the world in most safest way. Rather than teenagers that explores it on their own. They will certainly get into the reef before they can swim to the shore. Far from that, the society will only give bad response to the early ages couples because they only think get married at young age is such a disaster and throw shit to the family’s name. open up your mind, only at this and two, three decades before people do care about this issue. Yet since the early age of civilization people get married as early as 14. That’s how many legends legacy of civilizations grew and now where we are. If they all be a late marriage only a millennium from now we will have what we have today.

 fungi

The Kingdom Fungi includes some of the most important organisms, both in terms of their ecological and economic roles. By breaking down dead organic material, they continue the cycle of nutrients through ecosystems. In addition, most vascular plants could not grow without the symbiotic fungi, or mycorrhizae, that inhabit their roots and supply essential nutrients. Other fungi provide numerous drugs (such as penicillin and other antibiotics), foods like mushrooms, truffles and morels, and the bubbles in bread, champagne, and beer.

Fungi also cause a number of plant and animal diseases: in humans, ringworm, athlete's foot, and several more serious diseases are caused by fungi. It is because fungi are more chemically and genetically similar to animals than other organisms, this makes fungal diseases very difficult to treat. Plant diseases caused by fungi include rusts, smuts, and leaf, root, and stem rots, and may cause severe damage to crops. However, a number of fungi, in particular the yeasts, are important "model organisms" for studying problems in genetics and molecular biology.

i am me

hi....

so bored and loose today...don't know what to do...my love still hates me......i made her to be an outrages and lost minded one.....gosh what am i doing now.....i don't know if i am me or i be someone that far from me......me just like a magnet to problem....i can sense problem easily and so do i make problem easily....no matter how hard i try to get out of this circle still whennicki i wake up from my sleep i continues completing the circle....damn who i am exactly...i spend this 18 years known nothing about me...it's all about him...the other side of me that i choose to show...not my colour.....why this happen???should i just live freely in my way....hmmmm...i miss my world before the rage in me happen.....i wish i am who i am...my god bless me and send me clue so that i won't step out of your line....so that i still be a humble slave for u.....

quite a peaceful day but so rush in making decision...my relationship status is unknown......hehehehhe...i hope i can ensure it more n i won't hurt that pure heart that love me again...please i'm begging u....behave for the happiness of others affad!!!!!!

beep

so much of misery for me today...kinda busy week....and drag me in conscious despair.....still heard the voice of insanity in me...plenty of work but still i don't have deeds to make it done.....don't makes friends at college because they're bunch of idiots that results give me nothing but mess up my life after all.....forgiving and apologizing happens this week....but clearly it is not acceptable....moreover i'm tired with my life....i don't know what else to be done.....and what left inside me for myself......everything need to be fucking perfect...!!!!how could i make it if i'm just a human.....even a prophet ever made mistakes why not me......hmmmmm.......

ping ai

it means peaceful love.....the only thing that human hope will be eternity......hehehehe....tomorrow i'm gonna get back to my hometown.....met my family....gosh miss them so much...and also the one who meet me in herself.....so rough my week...i suppose to go back today but it ends i don't make it to buy the tickets.....hehehehehe.....playing games and miss my soul again n again.....where r u???let me know u still here in me.....this the only way can help me express myself rather than torturing people insanely and heartlessly......

take it

enough of playing and i wanna it to exactly.....no perhaps or maybe....end of the day i please myself with a little joy after hearing her voice.....kinda weird but still i live in silence......so dark and empty....nothing can fill it.....hmmm......tomorrow i'll be returning home....seeing lovely mom and get her blessed in everything.......keep owning is the way but still i don't understand what is mean by that.....i enjoy my life but i need u to be there to make it complete.....like people said our life journey is completed by death and our life history is completed by love......hahahaha....kinda 'fluffy' tonight...because in the mood of relying on love......

really???

simple thing but i just be the cause of the issue hate myself hardly.....want something that can cheer me up...i mess my life to it...i don't know why.....i really thought that thing would be okay if i do keep a distance until my self is sink in me...but on the other hand she still make me wonder what else???hmmm.....i'm tired and hope a bless from u god...show me the way...easily so i won't hurt anyone anymore....one thing i got today is never lies to the one who believes u and never believe to someone that lie to u.......i respect her but still what the thing that would make people satisfied!!!!!!argh.....i'm killing myself.......i'm just a normal person who lives on my way and work on my destiny.......please don't ask me to do the god's grief or the god's wrath......i'm begging u.....my breaking point is vanishing others...please......know me and live and love me.......

very plenty of things to be done

i don't know what is i'm doing today....what i'm chasing or for what i live....only i know i already finish my job.....hehehehhe,,,....out from exam for a while.....hehehehhe...kindly i'm bored....finding someone new and have a brain that freshly from farm is very indulgence to me....hehehehe...such a lame week after all....next week need to attend the class and spend sometime with the lecturer....i'm living in my past....is that ok..????or it's just a reason for me to not move on.....cody n ester move on why can't i.....but still i choose it to be that way....because past creates the future.....and past make the future knows it history......life ends but history still there till there's no one left to continue writing it......good morning...two days ain't sleep now it's the time.....

one paper past

a very tired week after all...a paper had just past..now waiting for another 4 paper then i'm done with this week and looking for some entertainment.......realizing that i'm suffer enough with myself i try to avoid other to feel the same way as i do....maybe i can only be a loner....that's how i should live my way...but on the other hand still have someone that i should pay my life to.....hope that i'll be able to make her happy even just for a single moment in my life...instead of everything happen i still don't regret with what god gives to me.....i think he just give me a way to be better...hope u forgives me because i know every step i take,every words i say and every move i make i still can't make u smile...

a sorrow life

gosh its really hard for me to sleep tonight....i dunno what will happen early this day but i wish nothing bad happen...GOD thanx u keep me live till today so that i an feel and see your holiness everyday and praise upon u the creator.....alhamdulillah after i've been through this hard week i manage to survive with HIS help.....feel wanna someone to talk...the one who never knows me and the one who are ready to hear me out..i never wish it from the person i've already known.....i only expect it from totally strangers...hmm.....how would that be....something cheer me up today is that person give me space for myself like i wish.....thanx....for being understanding person to me....not going mad to anyone but kinda bored sunday...have a mountain of debt to be solve....and still a little bit try to change although its hard...only think in my brain and heart is my mom...my angel and my everything....i can't afford to live without u mom.....hmm2.....by end of this day...i got  5 minutes to spend with myself then....kinda long time since the last time i updated my blog....but no matter what it takes GOD still gives me chance to be awesome.....alhamdulillah......

feel this way

when i need to decide what i want i choose to be me.....when i realize i am what i am then it makes me feel like myself is very empty.....when i walk all alone down the alley of my sorrow life i knew that someone will waits for me at the end of it....someone that willing to feel my emptiness n touch the sky with me.....god creates human to make they realize what lives that he gives them means..is it means to be nothing or it means to everything....we plan but the universe will set it up...by end of day i saw something good..i start believing and i know He'll always be with me in my heart....thanx God.....

one thing is everything

today god gives me something best to be as example how human can be in any manner.....deep in my soul i feel like i'm losing everything...but to be sincere there's someone is always there for me.never felt this way to be feel love deeply....aiya...hehehehehe....it is a disappoinment to my family maybe if they know what happen..indeed i'm just a normal human who is searching for his life's meanings....hehehehe...hope god always bless me.,,,,....

i don't know

i'm all alone but i'm not alone...still boring and losing my deeds in continuing what i'm chasing all over this year....then time pass and i'm really don't have a single second for myself.....instead of being dragged into others world.....pity of me.....suggestion keep coming to my head but i need to make decision which one can make a change in my life.....pretend to laugh and sad is a routine...but in other side i feel so disgrace with my disable to live my way......god help me out....part of it still have some meanings to be remembered in my life....looking outside the window i i found a world beneath the world i' living now.....world that no one would ever been there to mess it.....so tired but can't afford to sleep.....hehehehehehe.....

to find a way

since i changed my lifestyle to be this way it seems not right to others....i can't even know why because i never give or bring disaster to one's life....i write my own history and i don't really want to share it with others....include my beloved....so early today went to class and quit a little bit shit when i need to sing in front of class because i'm late.....hmmm.....tired of chasing dreams..i only want to live with my means necessarily.....despite the fact that i'm awesome when i wanted it to be that way......

not really in the mood

why i need to face the lost in my mood...i don't even care of things happen around me...going out with a friend of my today is kinda weird...seems a long time ain't meet her but still cool...tonight i'm continuing my routine on watching dexter...not end by satisfaction but end by misery when someone that try to understand me can't even understand herself....what am i suppose to do...besides i hate when too much crowd in my life.....and watch out to the other guy...you are of your line either u back off or i'll make u know what we called burnt in the darkness.....enough of patience it's time for me to win this game...

time for perfect wednesday

it's a wednesday buddy!!!time to rest and spend most of my time by entertaining me all day long...starts with a morning kiss to my mom when i called to her phone this morning then will end up sleep tides on the floor tiredly but with a deep cheer...hehehehe....i was wondering how am i going to be when i grow up...and yet the answer seems to far from me to know it....but who cares...as long i already prepared to live for tommorow is good enough for me...heheheheh....don't want to share anything i only want to say good morning and make your wednesday as awesome as i do...hehehehe.....

dexter!!!!

that series really ruin my world...hahahahaha...absolutely awesome series...nothing much to give..just a first day at work...part time....heheheheh....kinda tired and sleepy.....wanna sleep on a bear....very comfy fur...ahh.......heheheheheh...again watching dexter....hehehehe.....

weekends

spend my weekend at pd make me feel myself relief for a while in the middle of everything in my deeds.....nothing much to say...just a thank to my friend and yet to her....so kindly i still having fun though i know the coming months is a heavy months for me instead....need to take care of people who raised me up to become this awesome....hehehehehe.....glad to have u mom!!!!mmmmuah.....to be a perfect men is everyone's choice to me be the best for u to see u smile and make u happy is my choice n what i'm going to do.......thanx mom!!!!1

miss the two seconds thing in my life....

today i hear someone say to me.....u can live but do u live with the means u died to be remembered or died to be dust or ashes or suppose to be forgotten......that man makes me thing that what am i today....what i live for and for who i will pay my deeds.....hehehehehe...kindly i'm interest in just making my world goes round and be awesome every single day in my life.....accompany by my beloved and lived to the end.....else i only struggle to keep standing with this body and learning also grow with this mind......people only can say things about me but they don't know who i am,what i am n what would happen to me.....instead of all the things happened to me and i've gone through it successfully i still can spnd some of my deeds to myself!!!!yay....!!!!!the most important i'm a virgin!!!!!hahahahaha

i feel her inside me

one thing that always make me losing my heart is when i realize that i never own love but it owns me....i try hardly to deal with myself then at the end still i lost in my own history book...hehehehehe....one that makes me happy is when i see the smile of my beloved...the one i trust and never do turn over her in this life....hehehehe.....what else can i do, how can i moved on when i'm still into u....hehehehe....the reality won't change no matter how many flowers or colours present in my life still she's the one that i love and the one who i live for......now i'm begging u my LORD for my eternity life never let me lose her again....she teach me that life is not suppose to be that empty and make me live for tomorrow.......

life

nothing much...a week that is disaster because strike by flash flood and living with blood tears out of my eyes....urm...lucky me gotta see 3people drowning and died in front of me n i can't do nothing because the water runs very fast....hehehehehehe....urm....just attending a class. for this week . late today i'll be going home...bubye....

2second eyes to eyes my heart turns to disaster

many things happen but i don't know what is the best.....hehehehehe...it is like i'm losing myself in my own world.....to keep it straight.....i'm in deep disaster....one who think like the way i do maybe no what a disaster means to me.....hehehehehhe....some people said to me...."every morning in africa, a gazelle wakes up, it know it must run faster than the fastest lion or it will be killed, every morning a lion wakes up,it knows it must outrun the slowest gazelle or it will starve to death, it doesn't matter whether a lion or a gazelle when the sun comes up you'd better be running.....hehehhehe..."that means a lot too me....i won't turn down any of my chance to survive...especially when it comes to my entire life....

hangout at bangi......

early today my friend and i drive through the highway to bangi to meet his lover and renewing his driving license....it cost me an hour sleep at the jpj office while waiting the turn for him to renew his license.....while i'm taking my nap i had a dream...this dream is much weirder....i fall into a hole and woke in alice in wonderland world.....here she told me....."all in golden afternoon, full leisure we glide.....the dream child moving through a land, of wonders wild and new, thus grew the tales of wonderland, thus slowly one by  one, its quaint events were hammered out, and now the tale is done, and home we steer, a merry crew,beneath the setting sun"....till now i still thinking what she meant by that....funny about today i go for a walk at cempakka lake......hehehehehe...kinda huge but...not huge enough to wears me out....thanks to my friend brought me along with him.....and so suddenly my lului is jealous with me and i don't know what to do and why is she like that.......

na na na na na na

today is my first class of the new semester...seems heavy but so suddenly i realize it's just a waste for me to come to class today.....end up of two classes out of three is i go and slept at the library while waiting for the other class period to start.....three classes i attended today the longest only cost me 32minutes of my life...shit!!!!!the management should concern more about this.....hehehehehe...i want it to be the way it should.....today in my short dream at the library i walk in another world.....at first i walk at sherlock holmes century and met him........then after seeing his awesomeness in completing the puzzle in every cases he stopped me....then he said....."The greatest thing in this world is not so much where we are, but in what direction that we are moving......then i woke up because my lului call me and wake me up for class......funny about sleep in the library i thought i'm the only would done that for today....but when i woke up i saw about 18 to 20 student is also 'sharing their dreams' together with me....hahahaha....i feel like world is amazing.....hahahahahaha......

going out tonight

gosh.....day three i got back from hangout at 4.a.m....my eyes is hard to open but the chill of the night mixed with dawn wind keep me awake.....thinking of her.....why can't i be the best for her.....many things is not perfect in me......no matter how hard i try still i am a human.....nothing much to compare to the creator.....knowing that i can live for tomorrow is such a huge present to me...i can never guess what happen if i do wake up and look upon my body that is soulless.....freeze and cold...hehehehehe...but thank to Allah still give chance to make a change and hope i don't change my course till i get what the means of life he give to me.....just now two of my friends and i finish our 30 songs in a single album at danau kota karaoke room....hehehehe.......i break my voice and now i am scorpion....hehehehehehhe....still loving you....yeah!!!!!good night and good morning everyone....

only one

a week of break isn't enough for me to done a lot of thing that i wish to in last four month...only i know that i'm getting better in aiming for the ball....but so suddenly i get my results for my eye defect....it has increase to 500 and more....gosh.......i don't know what happen but my lifestyle have harm me......useless to regret...all i know i want to enjoy every moment till the end.....hehehehe

yay!!!1

my exam is over and early today i'll go home and meet my lover.....aiya meyh...miss her so much.....hope she'll miss me too.....nothing much for saturday night...should this week i go for saturday night fever....but something happen then i need to go for it......lately i usual spend my time to quite not important thing.....today someone suggest me to read 'love savage secret'....but maybe later.....by the end of this day i'll sitting at the cafe at my hometown!!!!!!!how is that???to smell the air and to taste mom's delicacies everyday.....ui2.....don't be jealous of me.....my life awesome no matter hard or rough it is for me to keep it still....else goodnight you all....wish u always in prosper and great health.....

today

my last paper of final exam.....basic english 1.....yay!!!!!hahahahah....suppose it is nothing to cheer about...but lately i found something in myself...its kinda like how awesome am i when i'm dealing with my life decision.....fuuuuu......my heart is just like nice to watch nice to touch nice to hold......when broke it is consider total lost....not sold...why....because it is not a thing!!!!!it is my heart....aish....blinking my eyes many times and counting the star also the sheep....hoping to get sleep and rest my body.....it looks like my body is too tired but why my eyes don't help it to rest???i should seek for the doctor....but maybe next time.....there's something important than that......early tomorrow or late today i'll going home to johor.....lalalalalalal.....hoping i'll meet my love lului.....

bring my life back to me

doesn't know how to create a hole in which we can just get into it and having a life beyond imagination.....
waiting for the life to come.....it is a must....but how long do i have to wait????thousand years????gosh....i've already die and live and die again...hahahaha......but everything is resolve when i see her face....its just like a thing that i won't change......it's so beautiful and amazing just the way it is......huuuuuuuuuuu......and the most weird thing i heard today...there was a future for us????hahahahha....pfttt.....sing it alone meyh....

the whole new day

still have a lot of boring mood in me..i don't know what else should i do to make myself cheer out of everything.....being alone tonight quite make me sense presence of weird thing....besides...i'm a night stalker...ain't know how to lay down head and sleep in the night...heheeheheh....aih2....wish someone can always accompany me....but she's now is sulky with me...because she said i just treat her as my toy...aih2......but still everyday i hope i'll change my mind towards my nature....so suddenly i start to understand the word belief....that i already forget it long time ago.....i wonder how is it sleeping at night....getting sweet dream.....and wake up in the morning.....and having breakfast......remember one time before i got insomnia i sleep tidely on my bed with my bear bear.....urm.....now i'm far far far far away............that's all for today......today's is the day for movies!!!!!wednesday madness.......

boring week

today i just finish one out of two final exam paper...gosh...really carved my brains to its core...hahahaha.....but so suddenly i got ideas to answer all of it..i don't where it came from but i knew that it come straightly last minute and help me a lot...thanks god...hahahaha....after that i just hangout with my room mates to pv 12 then sungei wang.nothing much at all just go for lunch at pastamania and i ate a plate of fish risotto....so yummy......end of day we go for karaoke at pv 12..,...so loud till so suddenly i forgot about some of my problem...hahahahahah...despite of everything today...still i miss someone far from my eyes but already taken my heart.....ye lului.....aish2.....goodnight.....love u all.....

my best new year ever

this is the first time i've spent all my new year nights with a girl and bunch of my colleague..it starts at 5p.m we all go to times square then have dinner at sungei wang plaza then go for movie and countdown at pavillion kl.it's so awesome till i can't forget about the night....we have our countdown at pavillion where there's an event held by fly.fm malaysia's best english radio channel.despite of everything...we then go for a walk to suria klcc for playing the bubbles spray...so fun after all...all nights we have walk about 11.6k.m non stop from merdeka square to sentul my apartment....hahahahaha....walk because we runs out of cab....thanx to this people that shine my new year night....hana my girl,redz and novie my housemate and rizal also....you all are absolutely amazing....hope we can go out for another event again...and make it more delighted than ever does.......